Every creative knows there’s this moment…

When you send the e-mail
When you click “post”
When you share the file
 
And suddenly you feel exposed.
Your heart and hard work on display.
 
Will it be accepted? Will it be corrected?
Will it be praised? Will it be criticized?
 
I used to fall into bed, crumpled into a ball of insecurity.
I never felt as though anything I ever wrote was good enough.
Fear of not measuring up chained my words.
 
But not anymore.
I know who I am, because I know Whose I am.
I was created to create.

When fear tries to bully me back into the cage of inadequacy I bully it back.
 Because I have this assurance--
​He speaks to me, and He speaks through me.
And I can no longer deny my voice, for I deny His voice;
​His message of love; of truth; of comfort; of admonition; and encouragement.
 
For "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me" (Galatians 2:20, NIV).
​
And "God has not given [me] a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7, NLT).

Dwelling in Him,

My brain lacks words that could adequately express how much I've enjoyed diving back into the Word and soaking in it over the past month. 

It has literally been "...healing for [my] body, and strength for [my] bones." (Proverbs 3:8)

This week I have my biggest event of the year-- a benefit I organize and manage, annually, for Camp Gideon. The final week before the "Ladies Tea" is quite demanding, as we tie up all of the "bows", the tiniest details that make the event special for those who attend. 

My natural tendency is to demand that my body and brain keep up with the increase in work along with maintaining the crazy schedule I already keep. But a few years ago I heard an incredible podcast with one simple phrase that clung to the back of my brain, and somehow has worked its way forward, echoing in my mind for the past couple of weeks:

"Have compassion for yourself."

I used to think self-compassion was for wimps. Until a book study of Present Over Perfect with my small group ladies flipped all my "wisdom" upside down. (There is literally not enough room for me here to rave about how simple, yet life-changing this book was!)

With that being said, this dwelling and blogging has been incredibly beneficial in my life, so I'm not stopping... But I am, however, going to take a pause on the blogging portion so that I can focus my energies on this worthy cause. And, to be honest, I'll be pausing in a couple of weeks my husband and I will be  C e l e b r a t i n g  (with a capital C!) our 10th anniversary with a get-away trip.

I can. not. wait!

This blog has helped me to dwell on and process the many, MANY takeaways in God's Word, and I can't wait to see what the rest of 2017 brings! I challenge you to join along with me and journal what God is teaching you. I'd love if you'd find me on the YouVersion app so I can see what you're reading and taking away from God's Word!

I'll see y'all on the flip-side of this event, in about a week.

Dwelling in Him,

"​Then the earth quaked and trembled. The foundations of the mountains shook;
    they quaked because of his anger.

Smoke poured from his nostrils; fierce flames leaped from his mouth.
    Glowing coals blazed forth from him.

He opened the heavens and came down; dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.

Mounted on a mighty angelic being, he flew, soaring on the wings of the wind.

He shrouded himself in darkness, veiling his approach with dark rain clouds.

Thick clouds shielded the brightness around him and rained down hail and burning coals.

The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded
    amid the hail and burning coals.

He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies; great bolts of lightning flashed,
and they were confused.

Then at your command, O Lord, at the blast of your breath,
the bottom of the sea could be seen,
    and the foundations of the earth were laid bare."

Psalm 18:7-15, NLT
​

There's an incredible shift, here in Psalm 18,  that's I almost missed because of the way the reading plan is laid out.

I forgive you Bible in a Year plan.
I still love you. <3

But don't miss this like I almost did-- 
The chapter begins,
"I love you, Lord; you are my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety." (verses 1-2)

Can you feel the intimacy in these words? They insinuate friendship and closeness.
I absolutely adore the way David describes his deep relationship with God.

Then David continues,
"I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and he saved me from my enemies.
The ropes of death entangled me; floods of destruction swept over me.
The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path. 
But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears." (verses 3-6)

David is in trouble, and cries out to God...
This is where it gets intense:

"Then the earth quaked and trembled. The foundations of the mountains shook; they quaked because of his anger." (verse 7, emphasis mine)

"Smoke poured from his nostrils..."
"He opened the heavens and came down..."
"Mounted on a mighty angelic being, he flew..."
"He shrouded himself in darkness..."
"He shot his arrows..."
"...at the blast of your breath, the bottom of the sea could be seen..."

These are some crazy-wild descriptions, for sure!

​
The contrast in this single chapter is incredible.

The great paradox of God is He is so mighty, so strong, and so powerful, and He also guides us gently by streams of water.

His anger is earth-shattering, and His love so fierce He will stop at nothing to get to us.

His very presence is uncontainable, and yet it is contained within our very being, through the person of the Holy Spirit.


The challenge for me is that I become so familiar with God that while I know He is my friend, my Father, and my Savior-- I forget that He is still God.

He is completely holy, unable to commune with sin.
He is mighty and powerful, nothing is too difficult for Him.
He created the heavens and the earth with His very voice.
He is immeasurable; He is God.

It is terrifying to think of, and yet comforting.
Another paradox.

But what a comfort to know, like David, that He is close enough to hear my cry, and big enough to move heaven and earth to rescue me.

Lord, may I never take for granted all that you are--
The parts that I understand, and the parts I struggle to.

​All of you, You are good.

Dwelling in Him,

"In the morning, as Jesus was returning to Jerusalem, he was hungry,
​and he noticed a fig tree beside the road. 

He went over to see if there were any figs, but there were only leaves.

Then he said to it, 'May you never bear fruit again!' And immediately the fig tree withered up."

Matthew 21:18-19, NLT

"Hanger" is a real problem at my house.
Do you know what I'm talking about?

Even just today we were trying to turn a few errands into a fun family outing when IT happened.

Not just the three-year-old.
Not even just the kids--
All of us...
We. Were. HANGRY. 

Fortunately God's favor was upon us because in the heat of the moment what did I see ahead but a glorious Chick Fil A sign.

Waffle fries for the win, post haste!

But while the struggle is real in my household, "hanger" is not the reason for Jesus' outburst here in Matthew 21.

I've probably read this story of Jesus and the cursed fig tree at least a handful of times.

It's a weird one, for sure.

To be honest, I have a tendency to rush through and give very little thought to stories that I don't understand immediately. But since my focus this year is is nurturing the habit of dwelling, I couldn't help but go back and think some more on this one.

Now that I'm nearing the end of Matthew, I'm beginning to realize just how many times Jesus talked about fruit in His ministry here on earth. Obviously, the subject was of utmost importance. But we're not talking about physical fruit...

Here, Jesus is giving us a clear, physical visual of what He spoke about in Matthew 3:10 when He said:

"Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God. Don't just say to each other, 'We're safe, for we are descendants of Abraham.' That means nothing, for I tell you, God can create children of Abraham from these very stones. Even now the ax of God's judgement is poised, ready to sever the roots of the trees. Yes, every tree that does not produce good fruit will be chopped down and thrown into the fire."

The tension of being a Christ-follower is understanding that while our works (fruit) do not save us, our works (fruit) are an outward demonstration of an inside transformation. 

If I remain in the Vine (Christ), my life will bear much fruit. If I am apart from Him, I will bear nothing. 

John 15:5-8 reiterates this:

"Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.  Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned.  But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father."

What does the fruit of my life whisper about my relation to the Father?
Am I remaining in Him, or trying to do things my own way?

When Jesus comes to inspect my fruit, what will He find? 
Did I walk wisely?
Did I give freely?
Did I make disciples?
Did I love my neighbors?

If I am fruitful, then what is important to Jesus will be important to me.

Dwelling in Him,

"As Jesus and the disciples approached Jerusalem, they came to the town of Bethphage on the Mount of Olives. Jesus sent two of them on ahead. 

'Go into the village over there,' he said. 'As soon as you enter it, you will see a donkey tied there, with its colt beside it. Untie them and bring them to me.

If anyone asks what you are doing, just say, 'The Lord needs them,' and he will immediately let you take them.'"

Matthew 21:1-3, NLT (emphasis, mine)
​

There's a short, sweet-and-sour, gem of a message in these passages that is so easy to overlook.

A message that causes me to confront any areas of my life I still hold back.

A message that demands an answer to the question: Am I fully surrendered to Christ?

Everything I am, and everything I have-- 
My time
My savings account
My plans
My talents
My stuff
When I am told, "The Lord needs them," do I immediately let Him take them, freely and unconditionally? Or do I hold back with hesitancy?

My heart tells me:
"It's all His anyway. 'The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it' (Psalm 24:1)."

But my head argues, with the logic of a two-year-old:
"Mine."

Getting the two on the same page is a daily act of renewing my mind. Recalling God's promises. Elevating Christ. Dying to self.

Am I fully surrendered to Christ?
Honestly, not yet.
"But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me." (Philippians 3:12, NLT).

Dwelling in Him,

"Then the mother of James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to Jesus with her sons. She knelt respectfully to ask a favor.

"What is your request?" he [Jesus] asked.

She replied, 'In your Kingdom, please let my two sons sit in places of honor next to you, one on your right and the other on your left.'

But Jesus answered by saying to them, 'You don't know what you are asking! Are you able to drink from the bitter cup of suffering that I am about to drink?'

'Oh yes,' they replied, 'we are able!' 
​
Matthew 20:20-22 AMP (emphasis, mine)
​

One of my favorite verses, as a teen, was Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart."

I desired, and so I delighted. (Or tried to, anyway.)

I thought that if I served Him enough; spent time in His presence; and marked off the good Christian checklist He would give me the things I wanted.

I prayed...
For the relationship I thought would satisfy,
For the money I thought would solve all my problems,
For the platform I thought He could use.

Ah, poor little naive me.
I'm so glad God has grace for our immaturity and ignorance.

This mama, found here in Matthew, had a pretty bold desire. She had seen and believed that Jesus really was the Son of God. She followed Him, and now she wanted a hookup for her two sons, James and John. 

"What do you want?," Jesus asks her (and you know He knew).

As she lays out her request, we see some less-than-best motives at play...
"Okay, so when you get back to heaven, could you please honor my sons (ahem, and me) by seating them beside you for all to see?"

Jesus answers, "You don't know what you are asking!" 

In other words, "When you ask, you don't get it because your motives are all wrong..." (James 4:3, NLT)


I feel like this has been His answer to me so many times, but I was too wrapped up in my desires to hear Him say, "You're praying the wrong thing."

What I've realized over the years is as I draw nearer to God, delighting in Him, He doesn't so much give me the desires of my heart, as He does change my desires to be His desires.

See, God wasn't opposed to honoring James and John, He just knew the full story of all that would entail. (i.e. the unsurpassed torment of God's wrath).

Jesus isn't opposed to my desires either (not all of them, anyway), but He sees the bigger picture and knows the best path for me.

And, oh, how His ways truly are so much higher (Isaiah 55:9).

And so, instead of coming before God with my opinions and ideas about how life should be clenched tightly in my hands, I've been taking a different approach lately...

"God, I don't know what You want- show how me what to pray!" 

I lean into the words of Paul in Romans 8:26, "...and the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us in groanings that cannot be expressed in words."

And so I pray for what to pray for.
I seek His face.
I study His ways.

I listen to His voice in His Word so that I can recognize it in my own life

So that I may know what I am asking for, then I can "...approach the throne of grace with confidence." Because God honors bold and specific prayers.

Dwelling in Him,

"If only you could be silent!

That's the wisest thing you could do."

Job 13:5 NLT

My literal response to this verse, right smack dab in the middle of my Job reading, was:

"Wow. {laughing emoji face}"

It's not often that I literally L.O.L.
Don't ask me why, I just think it's downright hilarious that Job responds this way.

At this point he's been criticized for losing heart, accused of mocking God, and basically told he's surely being punished for some sin he must have committed, to deserve all of the unfortunate events that have befallen him. 

At this point, Job had enough of his three "friends", who had originally come to comfort and console him, but now seemed to be turning on him.

The well-intentioned crew was doing good, at first. Job 2 tells us "...they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words." (verse 13)

But then Job lets out a lament so fierce it leaves everyone alarmed.

Have you ever been alarmed by a friend's extreme emotion?
I know I have. 

I often struggle to process my own pain, let alone someone else's.
My go-to strategies are to either ignore, slap a Bible verse on it, or try to "fix" the problem.
These tactics often include a lot of talking-- much like Job's buddies.

The problem is I'm not God. And neither were Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar.
God doesn't need us defending Him or putting words in His mouth.

Now, don't get me wrong- I'm a firm believer in the fact that the Holy Spirit can whisper words of truth and encouragement to share with other believers in their time of need. That's why we are told to "test the spirits" (1 John 4:1) to discern whether the words we are about to speak are from His heart or our own understanding and ambitions.

But there is a time to be quiet and a time to speak" (Ecclesiastes 3:7).

The Bible says we are to "mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:5). And that's a difficult directive for a "fixer" like me. 

Despite his awkward approach, I think Job was right: being silent is, most often, the wisest thing I can do for a friend in anguish.

There is an inexplicable healing power in silent presence and prayer.

But... what about when it is time time speak? 

I love David's prayer in Psalm 141:3 which says, "Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips."

In other words, "Let me only speak the words you would have me to say, Lord."

Sometimes I just need to shut up and let God do the talking. He's better at it anyway.

Dwelling in Him,